Sometimes, things just aren’t perfect.
I have been having a self-pity day. Big time.
Last night, Hubby mentioned that he is sad about Wuzzles hand. That sent me into a tailspin. A road I’d been down only once before. The night that she was born, the night I laid alone in the recovery room for two hours knowing nothing.
Before I jump too far in, I should explain better. Since I’ve never truly done that. At some point Wuzzle stuck her hand into the placenta. After that, she either didn’t pull it back, or if she did it came back with strings attached, cutting off circulation to the fingers in her left hand. Because of this, she has no fingers on the left hand, and only a partial thumb.
I keep thinking, is it my fault? (I know, medically that it is not. But I can’t help but wonder.)
What about that time when I was about six months pregnant and we’d just bought the TV? I spent a good fifteen minutes jumping around the living room. Are pregnant women supposed to jump? Did it happen then?
Should I have stopped driving the truck sooner? Maybe it was all the bouncing around on the road that caused it?
Did it happen because I ate that entire Red Velvet cake? Or drank a few diet soda’s when I was in my hometown?
Or was it the 2 beers I drank before I found out I was pregnant? Did that somehow cause this ‘defect’?
And why on earth didn’t I demand that the Ultrasound Tech count the fingers and toes? Like I’ve heard so many of my friends talk about doing? Why was I so ecstatic to be seeing my baby that I didn’t count them? (Heck, I had at least seven ultrasounds!)
I know logically that it’s absolutely nothing I did. I know that I couldn’t have helped it, and had they found it on the ultrasound I really would have spent my entire pregnancy worried about what ELSE would be wrong. But some days, I can’t help but feel sad. I can’t help but blame myself.
Jacque, you have a beautiful, amazing, intelligent, loving, perfect baby girl. I couldn’t be more proud of you and that kid if you were…well, I dunno, because you couldn’t be mine…but you know that I love you more than life itself and I love her tons. You’re my best friend and she’s my baby girl who I brag about and tell EVERYONE about. You guys can’t be sad about that, you have to be glad you have a baby who loves you and you love and who brings you all of the joys in the world. Tell him to shut the heck up, especially this close to mother’s day, and go play with that munchkin. Because, before you know it, she’ll be like me – going off to college and home for the summers only to work and see some friends, wanting to take road trips to St. Louis and crying like a baby when the person she’s taking a road trip with is being stupid.
Just remember that there are so many worse things in the world, that it’s not your fault, and that she’s beautiful and amazing. She’s special, just like any other baby is, and she can do ANYTHING!
(PS…I got info on how to teach her trumpet. We can start when she’s about 6 because the face muscles are developed enough. Yeah, I know, your music ed sister is amazing.)
Kid Sister’s last blog post..“forget regret, or life is yours to miss”
I’m sure it’s hard not to wonder all the millions of different ways it could be your fault even though surely it wasn’t or to have days when it makes you sad. She is still so perfect in every way, and she is blessed to have parents like you.
Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..Oblivious Peace
Not that this compares at all, but Jonathan had reflux and ear infections and bad teeth. I blamed myself for all of it and I guess, to a point, it is my fault because of genetics, otherwise it’s not like I wanted this to happen. I didn’t. And you didn’t either. It’s not your fault. I don’t want to say that it isn’t a bad situation, but it could be worse. I read this blog about a little girl who is brain dead right now. She is one of three children and her parents are now struggling with how to handle it all. Your little Wuzzle is alive and yes, she will have challenges, and some days it is going to suck so bad, but she has a chance that other children don’t. She’s going to do great. My Journalism professor had a similar issue with her hand and it took me more than a year of classes with her to ever notice. She was so engaging, I never even paid attention to what others saw as a disability.
I hope none of this came out weird. I meant to be encouraging, but sometimes I just stick my foot right in it..
Lisa’s last blog post..A very odd Mother’s Day
I also blamed myself for doing something wrong during pregnancy with RJ being born so early. I think you have a beautiful daughter and have wrote in many previous posts how there is nothing she can’t do. I hope that your day is improving.
I can also relate to being alone in recovery by myself and not knowing anything.
Oh, ::hugs::
I can’t fully relate, but you aren’t alone. I worry almost every day that during the period of time when I didn’t know I was pregnant I may have done something to my son. I drank and I smoked like I had always done…and to this day I am concerned that he is going to be less smart because of me, or ADHD because of me, or…or…or…
She is beautiful! No one is perfect.
Allison’s last blog post..We Came, We Marched, Some of Us Were Cranky
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